Believe it or Not | “Blood is thicker than water” sometimes feels like a lie

Johnson decided to talk to Donovan about this: "I’m going to be straight with you. You think you have a very big support system, and you think it actually exists. I’ll be honest with you: you’re kind of the inbred of the family. You don’t have a real support system—you just have a bunch of people around you.

This is a royal Christian society where incest is obviously considered bad and is therefore looked down upon. You have mental illnesses as a result of inbreeding. You have tons of issues, and that’s legitimate. There’s nothing I can do for you except be brutally honest and admit that you are, in fact, screwed. Like, low-key, if you were to ask your sibling for anything, I honestly don’t believe sibling relationships are close enough for you to get any real help.

As a child, I did not see strong sibling relationships or bonds. I wanted one, but I just didn’t see them—especially on TV. What I saw instead were siblings who were consistently hateful: mean, angry, and hostile on a regular basis. Genuinely hateful. You know what I’m saying—like, legit.

Then I grew up, and I heard a lot of stories. I rarely hear stories of sibling closeness. Very rarely do I hear about genuinely close sibling relationships. As you grow up, it seems like it’s either extreme disconnection or, much more rarely, genuine connection.

The thing is, growing up, I wouldn’t tell my children this because I want them to have a healthy sibling relationship, and saying it feels toxic. I’m a virgin with no kids, but if I were being completely honest with them, I’d say, “Here’s how I think your sibling relationships are going to go.” Honestly, I’d tell them that siblings usually aren’t that close. “Blood is thicker than water” is a lie I held onto for years.

I don’t really have siblings because my sister died when she was born. I do love her, and I’ve prayed for her to continue existing in different imagined scenarios. I didn’t grow up with her, but that love can still be strong. Still, I’ll be honest: most sibling relationships are not like that. In fact, some are honestly diabolical.

For example, one sibling told another that she wouldn’t have minded if their parents had been forced to abort them in China due to the law at the time—laws so strict that their parents had to move countries to save that sibling’s life. She said she wouldn’t have minded at all. That’s one of the cruelest things I’ve heard.

Another example: one sibling stabbed her brother in the hand with a fork. These are real things that happen, by the way. She later told her child about it, and the child took her side and was angry that the mother was punished by her parents for stabbing her brother. One of the reasons she stabbed him was because he was eating her food. I’m autistic and take things literally, and I don’t see that as a valid reason. I also don’t feel intense emotion, so I’m more logical and less emotional. Emotional people might say that was a reasonable response, but people who think more cognitively and logically would say it was completely unreasonable.

Because of all this, I’ve come to believe that your sibling is not necessarily someone you can turn to or depend on. I’ll be straight: there are no guaranteed strong sibling ties in America. Some people have siblings they rely on for help, but they often have to fight to get that kind of relationship. Some people are in literal danger and still have to argue with their siblings just to be taken to the hospital in an emergency.

My perception of sibling relationships mostly comes from television, media, and what people say. It’s confusing, because sometimes you see siblings who seem very close and playful. You think, “Wow, siblings in real life actually love each other.” People say there’s fighting, sure, but on television and in life, you often hear that sibling relationships are usually terrible. Then you see families on camera in reality shows where siblings seem genuinely close, playful, and loving.

Often, these are white families, though I’ve also seen Black families where siblings are kind, gentle, and loving toward each other. In those cases, I think strong discipline and good parenting played a role. But even then, sibling relationships aren’t some golden standard. In my opinion, it’s about 50/50. Close sibling relationships do exist, but so do very bad ones.

People have been raped by their siblings. People get into fistfights with their siblings, which is often treated as normal. So when I imagine telling my children the brutal truth of how I think sibling relationships usually go, I’d say this: I don’t believe you can depend on your sibling for much. Don’t ask them for help when you’re struggling—you might get mocked instead. Go to your mother or father. We’re the ones you can depend on.

That doesn’t mean I’d want them to hate their siblings. I’d tell them to accept this as a reality of society, not as a reason to turn on each other. Cousins, honestly, are often even less trustworthy. In Japan, cousins grow up around each other constantly through reunions and family gatherings, so they’re more like siblings—but that’s not how it usually works in America were I'm from. I still identify as American. Sometimes close sibling bonds happen here in Denmark and back home in America although the Americans are the reason I'm so skeptical of siblinghood, but it depends heavily on the family.

That’s why when people say, “Here’s how you write siblings properly,” I have skepticism. Sibling relationships depend entirely on the family. They can be really, really good, or really, really bad. Almost any portrayal could be realistic.

If I had children, I would try to raise them to be kind to each other for two reasons. First, because I love them. Second, because how they treat their siblings will reflect how they treat people outside the family. If I allow them to attack their sibling at home, what stops them from attacking a stranger outside? That’s what I want to prevent.

Your sibling is just another person you happen to live with. Because siblings live with you, they’re often your primary model for how you learn to interact and socialize with others. I would never tell my children my deeper skepticism, because it would make things awkward and damage their relationship. But if I were being brutally honest about how I feel, I’d say I don’t believe your brother or sister is a reliable source of help.

I can’t tell them that, because if I did, how would they treat each other afterward? It would create distance and awkwardness. These are thoughts I’d keep to myself. But internally, my belief is that none of them could really depend on each other. That’s the impression of siblings I’ve absorbed from society—what’s publicly visible, what I’ve seen. It’s a mixed picture, and because of that, I just don’t have the faith in sibling relationships that other people seem to have."

Johnson had raised Donovan for a good portion of Donovan’s childhood, so he wanted him to know that if he ever needed anything, he could come to Johnson. At the same time, Johnson did not want Donovan to rely too heavily on siblings, because he didn’t see sibling relationships as a reliable support system. This belief came from his own experiences and from observing how siblings often interact with one another.

In Johnson’s mind, siblinghood isn’t something amazing or tightly knit. He believes that siblings often don’t have truly close or supportive relationships, and that they don’t see each other as dependable or loving in any meaningful way. Because of this, rather than presenting sibling relationships as something secure or reassuring, Johnson frames them as unstable, rocky relationships that may not be fruitful or beneficial.

To him, sibling relationships often serve no deeper purpose than adding more people who worship God and supplying society with individuals who can be pushed into the economic system.

Donovan: "Technically, you’re blowing this out of proportion. I’m sure that if I needed something from my siblings—since we’re actually very close—it wouldn’t be a big issue. It’s not like it would take a lot of money; we have enough to support each other. We’d have each other’s backs, because I had theirs. I’m the oldest, and I took care of them."

Johnson is an immigrant from America to Denmark, so most of his gripes on sibling relationships comes from his experience as an American English speaker.

Johnson: “As a genuine question in American society: when has taking care of someone all their life—aside from parenthood—ever stopped people from throwing that away or led them to develop a strong sense of loyalty?”

Donovan: "We're Danish."

Johnson: “In my opinion, you can grow up with a brother or sister for many, many years and still cut each other off very easily, because they never really learn how to treat you or show you respect. Siblings are not some God-given sacred relationship or gracious, benevolent bond. The only truly benevolent sibling relationship that ever existed was Jesus and His brothers. Other than that, there is no God-given, tightly knit family bond.”

Donovan: “I’m going to be straight with you—you’re an only child, so it’s not like you can speak for me or for us.”

How can you speak for all siblings having none? It's very different across the board.

Johnson: "Hm... Touché."

To be Continued...