Cauterized Rag Doll's Open Wound

TRIGGER WARNING:

Claudius Claudo had suicidal thoughts & thoughts of self-harm.

This is a work of Fiction.

Let's Begin Reading Cauterized Rag Doll's Open Wound:

My mother, Claudia, and I's relationship is very weird because sometimes she loves me and sometimes she's very chaotic.

She is a Nephilim whose father, The Fallen Angel Tyrus, tried to kill her mother, Dee'ana, so her relationship with men was rocky before she got her first male friend, Jason. He's not my father nor her husband, however; Jackson is.

When I was born, she had hoped for a girl but my boy-self had to be born into existence. It wasn't the funfest experience to have me. I grew up to be five, and it was then that she'd always tell me to go away.

When Mom would give offerings to God, she'd either be very happy to include me or if dad ticked her off, seeing him in me despite me looking like her, she'd use it as an excuse to stay away from me.

My name is Claudius Claudo. Father named me this because Claudia is a Latin name meaning "lame" or "enclosure," derived from the Roman family name Claudius, linked to the Latin word claudus (lame) and potentially claudo (to shut in). Despite the literal meaning, it became prestigious through the influential gens Claudia (Claudian family) in Rome and appeared in the New Testament, making it a classic, strong name.

One day, mother was giving God an offering and I was 19 and decided to join by watching as I had nothing to give and had not honed tons of skills. I was a beginner in everything.

I felt ashamed that I had nothing to give, so when the presence of God filled the room, my shame filled the room along with him that I had nothing to give and bothered my angry mother with my presence.

Father had cheated on my mother with my girlfriend, 19-year-old Samantha. My body contorted. My right hand on my left elbow, my upper torso leaning to my right, My head down, looking to the bottom right corner of myself, scrunched shoulders, I sat down in the pew as the Lord spoke to his congregants of the Temple we built for Christ.

He was calling for his offerings, and I shrunk and hid behind the pews and wished I had not bothered my mother by coming to embarrass myself. I usually always had an offering if mother was with me because she helped me build it despite acting like I was trash whenever Dad angered her with his affairs after I turned 12. It was heartbreaking, I was suicidal. My body made me wanna cut myself. I did not do either of these as I loved myself.

These were just scary thoughts & unwanted urges. My O.C.D. Now flares up, what if someone kills God?

My thoughts tell me to leave and run around the church seven times until the feelings go away. I wouldn't mind obeying this O.C.D. I'm too anxious to be in the Lord's presence.

My thoughts become disordered with anxiety and I suspect that this may be my autism. God's presence tries to calm me down, I can feel it. God tells me to "Go outside and take a breath." I leave the Church immediately to take a breath, but I am more & more anxious that the Lord will die of poison, my hands grasp my head as I my torso bends forward and my chest reaches back in my panic attack.

I urge him not to drink anything, just get up and run around the Church seven times to save the Lord!

I bite at my clothes as I tug them with my right hand to distract him from taking any drink offering, my mind tells me that they'll poison him.

Immediately, I can hear God telling my mother to "Go outside & hug your son!" He sounded scared as my mother ran outside to find me running and panting. I crashed into her and screamed as I saw that she hit the ground, but she got up and hugged me. I was so panicky, worried that I had caused her to go into a coma and nearly die and that I was just hallucinating her being okay like my O.C.D. told me.

God calmed me down, I could feel it.

I calmed down with my mother saying "It's okay, wanna come inside?" I tensed up "No!" God will just see me as the failure mother told me I was once she found out pops cheated on me with my girlfriend, Samantha.

Claudia wouldn't tell me, "You are a failure just like your father, that's why Samantha cheated on you!" If it wasn't true, after all, I kept messing up the offering we tried to do together, but it's never a good idea for us to do it together when she's projecting Dad's issues onto me.

When we were working together this morning, I was painting Heaven for the Lord and it was getting beautiful, but I messed up and we had to keep correcting his offering 50 times because she wouldn't engage and she knows I need help as I'm not that good at painting, she does most of the work. Us working together only works if she wants me involved for her enjoyment. I'm used to handling the eyes, the noses, the mouth, the hair, and the head. She handles the parts I'm bad at -- Everything else.

When she's mad, I have to do everything while she calms out and barks orders at me.

I love her so much, so I'm giving her a pass on all she does and will love her until I die.

She doesn't mean it and truly loves me. I painted it but I painted all the parts I'm good at first. I painted Christ's head using a reference on my computer of the shroud of Turin.

I cried because I had to do the rest and was sure I'd be a failure.

Mother barked more orders, like "Finish it! Stop disrespecting The Lord!" Me not doing it was my respect as I can't draw all those other things perfectly! I crunch my body, twisting my torso unnaturally to the right to look back at her and bend forward in anxiety.

My long wavy white hair, pale skin, greyish white eyes, my slender tall facial features match my 6'7" figure, I am skinny and slender. With a Long Aquiline Greek nose to bat, I was like an angel in appearance to my mother before.

I started to get overstimulated by the constant screaming. It contrasts with memories of her cuddling me, loving me, kissing me, hugging me, protecting me, and all that. I wonder if this affair was the straw that will finally kill her love for me. I don't work to please the World, I work to please my lover, Samantha, my friends, Jake & Tony, my mother, Claudia, my father, Jackson, the Lord, and the host of Heaven.

But I don't wanna please Samantha as that is a betrayal to myself & my mother, but I still love Samantha even though she destroyed me! Out of all, I work to please my mother and The Lord.

This is all ripping me apart and I have the suicidal thoughts of ending it all. I can feel my body being tugged in 50 different directions. The more I try to paint, it all looks ugly! The bushes look childish, but the sky, the clouds are fine... But I hate the color of the sky... But if I do it over, she'll kill me! Because I'll cover up the good parts!

OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! I DREW IT ON EARTH! I DIDN'T DRAW THE THRONE ROOM AS ASKED! ALL THIS WORK FOR NOTHING IF I DON'T FIX THIS!!!

Mother saw it, and asked me calmly to draw Heaven... She didn't scream at me? She sounded... Frustrated and bored.

I paint over the mistakes and I'm careful not to cover Christ's face, but if I do, I fix it. I don't like this. I hate it when she's putting me through this stress when I'm doing something for the Lord. I don't want any drama associated with my walk with God lest it turn me against all of Christianity.

Mother stared over my shoulder, bored because she wasn't willing to join the son of the man that cheated on her.

I said, "You know... Samantha cheated on me, too..."

She says, "You're his son," snapping at me. I let out a stupid calm smile of "Screw this..." With half-lidded eyes. She asks, "What's so happy?" I frown immediately so she isn't mad at me.

Mother doesn't like me at the moment. This is fine. Contort your muscles to make the bad feeling go away.

I contort my muscles. I find it hard to paint. My hand is not as steady as I'd like. It gets even less steady. God's face has a line over it that hurts my soul, it was caused by my quivering hand.

Immediately, mother snatches the paint brush from me. That causes the 50th mistake: I accidentally got Paint on God's eye. That was the most beautiful part...

Present Day...

Mom seems to have perfect my painting! I love how she presents it for God. I hope he doesn't reject it as I sit back in the church pews. I worked really hard on the face, but I know he's displeased with her behavior towards me.

I look down to not see God as if I see his face, I will die. That's my belief, anyway, not sure if it'll really happen but I think it might. This one doesn't stem from my O.C.D.

To be continued...