FICTION: I found the adoption papers. Now, I'm so utterly confused.

FICTION:

My name is Jimmy Halker.

I was standing there after she punched me in the face. I had already found those hidden adoption papers and now, I'm not only hurt, but relieved and confused. I'm confused because... Well, simply put, she adopted me. I have no self-hatred at this point. My biological mother probably gave me up because she wasn't ready. This is what confused me.

You see, my own real mother just... Sort of... Gave me up for adoption when she couldn't handle a child. My adoptive mother, Coroline.... Took me in and then... Didn't give me back when she started to hate me? Now, you may think it's awful For her to give me back... But... She's abusive. It is not awful for her to return me if she's so stressed and evil that she would abuse me in my opinion. it's for the best. It's complex, nuanced if you will.

Let me explain... My fake Mother did not desire me. My birth mother probably wanted me but was unable to care for me... Or I was conceived of rape... I don't know... Mothers sometimes reject those babies... My real mom may have rejected me... And... This is where the confusion comes from.

Now, my adoptive mom's hitting me more, slapping me around and I'm... Not totally phased. Not even moving. Why is she doing this? She's not my mother. She could have left me at the orphanage or wherever she got me from and gave me back. Like... Maybe it was an open adoption? Was it closed?

Could have told my biological mother it didn't work out. If my birth mom was raped, I guess Coroline may have been scared to return me to my adoptive mother for fear of retraumatizing her, but, honestly, one of my real mom's family members or my fake mother, Coroline's family members could have taken me in...

I do not have to call my abusive adoptive mother, Coroline, my real mother. You see, yes, I do view adoptive mothers as a real family. I do not see my adoptive mother, Coroline, as my real mother as she never needs me to, blames me for the problems in her life, hates me, projects her issues on me, gaslights me, 0 love bombing, maybe some in my toddler years that may have weaned away with what might have been my terrible twos, i don't know...

The thing is... I'm so confused. A circumstance led my mother to give me up for adoption. Even if my birth mother believed in Abortion, she still gave me up for adoption. Even if she didn't believe in it, she didn't feel trapped enough to X out adoption and keep me, she still gave me up for adoption. It's not like my adoptive mother, Coroline, had gotten pregnant with me and felt trapped like she had to raise me. Coroline picked me! Someone handed me to Coroline, showed Coroline my photo, etc. And Coroline looked at it and said "I want that one!"

SHE DECIDED TO ADOPT ME. SHE CHOSE A CHILD SHE HATED.

SHE TOOK ME HOME. WHY DID SHE TAKE ME IF SHE HATES ME SO MUCH?

I made a choice. I ate 2 of my moms pain relievers, not to kill myself, but to give myself anesthesia for the incoming beating. I relocated the adoption papers. I return. I look at her with a disappointed gaze while this demonically possessed witch starts to hit me. I ask, "Why did you adopt me?"

The pain relievers numbed me. I couldn't feel any of the hits.

I am relieved she's not my mom because at least now I know that the hormones associated with pregnancy or my birth didn't drive her insane. I guess to cover up any... Other motives... My dad just told me "Oh, she became mentally ill when pregnant with you," And "Well, the birth threw her hormones off, so that's why she's so abusive. She can't help it..." This is who I assume is my adoptive father.

Only Coroline's name is on the papers. The worst part is that Coroline doesn't hate me because her being pregnant with me or giving birth to me drove her insane, she was never pregnant with me to begin with. She hates me because... Why does she hate me so much?

Why did Coroline keep me when she hated me so much?

To be continued...